warning:

this is going to be a bit disjointed as i am at work but i gotta get this off my chest.

LADIES: WE NEED TO STOP HATING EACH OTHER.

FUCKING HELL.

i hate how we're taught to be spiteful and bitter about life and love, specifically when it doesn't go our way. i'm sick and tired of seeing reasonably intelligent women turn their backs on each other in some kind of fucked up solidarity pact.

some of you i love as much as sisters. that won't change. but what WILL change is how i handle it when shit gets real.

i will not tolerate bullshit insults getting tossed around on the internet. that means you are too much of a coward to face your problem head on. we're too smart for that.

don't expect ME to pick a side. honestly? i just don't give a fuck. i want you all to be happy and have your life go by your terms, but don't expect me or anyone else to blindly support a cause i don't believe in.

you know why i'm so pissed off? it's because i made the same mistakes too. i slut shamed, name called, and did all kinds of nasty things to other girls in the name of- say it with me now- solidarity. i always felt guilty. i never knew how to make things right.

it sounds trite i'm sure, but i had an epiphany one morning when someone i didn't really understand was in my living room. the thoughts that would swirl through my mind when i'd think of that person confused me. i was angry. i felt double crossed. but as that person sat there with me, i made the realization that i was WRONG.

it was huge.

no one wants to admit when they're wrong about people. we all judge and criticize. we all assume and believe the worst.

as she sat there, we talked about things that i don't remember now. but i do remember thinking how easy it was to just get over whatever things i was holding against her.

after all, what was the REAL problem? misunderstandings? falsehoods? a feeling of being slighted? so what? i felt ashamed of myself for all the time i had denied myself a friend. i felt sorry for it. i still do. but i was able to take a step back and question what i was really feeling, and it wasn't worth holding a grudge against. i was punishing her and myself so i simply stopped.

i'm so glad i did. through simply sitting down and having a normal conversation, i was able to shed the hostility and fear i felt towards a person i am so similar to.

that said, i have grown as a person since then. i can forgive. i can get past simple disagreements. i can understand the human mind by just accepting that people fuck up, and i can get over it.

it is very easy to get swept up in the game. what it all comes down to is having the presence of mind to really REALLY question why people are so quick to be cruel.

it's also easy to assume that if someone hurts you, you must lash out at the root cause of the whole damn thing.

mmmmm no you don't. if someone hurts you, you have the right to be hurt. you have the right to cry and scream and be as bummed out as you need to be.

but then you have to realize the strength you have, and your capability to grow, learn, and move on.

sometimes shit sucks. a LOT. and from what i have learned, forgiveness isn't that hard.

life is all about making mistakes. but if you don't learn from them, that's the worst mistake of all.

for the travelers.

long lull in posting, sorry. ahem.

i have no room in my life for the weak and selfish. i am in a unique position in my life. as a wife, i suddenly have a respectable "opinion." like somehow, by being married, i have life experience and knowledge to impart on my friends and acquaintances.

bullshit, i say. but i'm gonna go with it here.

over the past few years, i have been learning more and more about feminism and feminist theory. it's fascinating. it has changed my perspectives on many, MANY things. i have always been an independent person. i truly believe that someone can't be happy if they don't know themselves in an intimate way.

people i have come across recently have noted my ability to put a human spin on things. i have been written to and spoken to about these new ideas and ways of thinking by women i have never met, but have somehow seen the things i have written and either agree with or applaud. it's all logical to me. common sense. i see things i don't like or don't agree with, and offer my opinion.

i don't do it for accolades or to make myself look good. it's just how i feel.

i can live my life on my own terms with my own set of rules. i can get by on my own. i am strong, smart, and brave. i don't need someone to "complete" me. the road to that discovery was intense and at times, overwhelming.

but i fucking did it.

and now, i am in a deliriously wonderful marriage with a dude i can call my best friend. i fucking earned the right to be his wife in the same way he earned the right to be with me. we're a team and we support and compliment each other.

the good times are great, and the bad times aren't so bad, really. we're apart sometimes for long amounts of time, but i can deal with it. i know how to keep busy, which i had to learn. i know how to make my decisions based on what i have to work with. together, we've been to hell and back but i made the first trip there alone. all my weaknesses that i have to conquer will be done on my own, and any help i get will only be supplemental.

i guess the point i'm trying to make is that i never imagined i'd end up here. when i was younger, i thought i'd end up alone and miserable. through a few random events that aren't connected in any way, i'm now at peace with a lot of the shitty things that i have done and have had done to me. i have forgiven many times. i have been forgiven as well.

getting older used to be one of the most terrifying ideas i could imagine. now, i see the value of it, and how experiencing ups and downs will shape your outlook on life. it all sounds really simple, but it's the damn honest truth.

i have no room in my life for the selfish and weak. learn to be your own guide and stop expecting others to fulfill whatever void you have within yourself.

some people can't, and maybe never will know that feeling. i feel sorry for them.

it's not getting any better...

i suppose it's my own fault for listening to a certain band, but i have never been so angry and depressed about how the world is now. i can't take it. i wish i was stronger, and i wish i knew how to find those people that feel the same as i do.

yeah right. get real.

i wish more than anything i didn't have to look out the window and be nervous.

it's so hard to go outside sometimes.

i wish i could relax.

holy crap i'm a goober.

some random thoughts that i have...

-the burning fight fest changed my life. it reminded me how important it is to have something in your life that is community based and (somewhat) positive. i like hardcore. i wish it was still the same. but that's what i get for getting older, i guess? maybe. i'm stil in it so fuck you. :)

-being married is seriously the coolest. i hope that all of my friends get to feel the same way that i do about it. unfortunately, only i can be married to jim, so once again, fuck you. :)

-if being a feminist is wrong, then i never want to be right. i have gotten SO MUCH POSITIVITY and it inspired me to look into going back to school at some point soon, possibly the fall. TAKE THAT, B9 BOARD. FUCK YOU. :P

- i truly have THE best friends in the world. they don't mind that i overuse emoticons.

-i really REALLY want a fennec fox. i may have mentioned that before, but they are THE CUTEST. see above. TELL ME I'M WRONG.

-i'm gonna get fired if i get busted poasting.

coming down

i just realized that i have nothing specific to look forward to for the rest of my life. no events to plan for. no epic FUN. what a drag.

this past weekend was so good... too good. now i'm left feeling like... is this it for me? maybe something will pop up. maybe i'll rent a car and drive back to chicago and see what develops. hell, august isn't too far away, and i'm not going to have a whole lot of anything to do.

i really hope a certain someone doesn't move away again. he or she may not love it here anymore... but the people he or she will leave behind will feel just a little bit emptier. actually, a LOT emptier. i don't want that. ever have that friend who passes away suddenly, and you're left feeling that you should have or could have spent more time with them, but now you can't?

i don't want to live like that.

i need to fuckin rest up tonight, but i'm not going to let myself get stuck again. that's a threat.

clickity clicky

so at some point today i am heading to chicago with some of my best friends in the world, and we're going to have a killer weekend at the burning fight fest. i am SO excited. this is my first vacation from work in 2 years, and first destination vacay in who knows how long. if i wasn't on vacation i'd be at work, miserable and probably hungry. i hate thursdays because i have to work until 7 and taking the 20 bus takes years off my life.

BUT! i'm not going to think about it anymore because i have a lil bit of packing and a few things to tidy up before i go. i had a few too many drinks and a run in with an interesting person from my past so recovery time is slow.

this is going to be so much fun!